An Ode to the Slam Dunk Contest

Oh how far something can fall, then proceed to crash and burn like this little mishap at the Daytona 500 (You bet that's a NASCAR reference. You better save this article because that will be the only NASCAR reference made by me ever. Well unless it's about Danica Patrick's looks. Or another fiery crash...).

Let's meet this year's Dunk Contest Participants:

Derrick "They Needed Someone" Williams, Jeremy "I Wear Braces and Average Less Than 2 Points A Game" Evans, Paul "I Somehow Grew 2 Inches In The Past Year" George, and last and least Chase "I Only Have 6 Dunks This Year" Budinger.

What do all of these players have in common? That's right NONE of them are All-Stars. This leads to my first rule of the Dunk Contest:

1. You have to be an All-Star to compete in the Slam Dunk contest.

Seems pretty reasonable right? The best players get the most highlights because they are able to get on Sportscenter Top 10 on a nightly basis. Just imagine LeBron James, Andre Iguodala, Russell Westbrook, and Kevin Durant throwing down massive slams just like they did in the actual All-Star game. Literally every one of their dunks in the game were at least ten times more entertaining than any Dunk Contest dunk. The common counterargument against this would be that "You can't make them compete in something that is optional." David Stern single handedly changed the landscape of the NBA with Tradegate and will probably find a way to get the New Orleans Hornets the first pick of the NBA Draft. I'm sure he could coerce the league's feature players to showcase the best the NBA has to offer.

Lastly, I'm tired of these All-Stars not competing because if they lose it will "damage their reputation and image." Michael Jordan, Julius Erving, and Dominique Wilkins did not cement their place in NBA lore by skipping out on the Dunk Contest. They didn't win every time, but by just putting their talents on public display, they exponentially multiplied their popularities. Will the day ever come that someone like LeBron finally grows the balls to be put in the limelight and possibly lose? I just don't know. But until that day comes the Slam Dunk Contest will only share one thing with contests of the past: the name (well if you don't include the sponsors, you know what screw it they are nothing alike, who am I trying to kid).

What is also nothing alike to the Golden Days of the Dunk Contest is the emergence of props. The second rule of the Dunk Contest should be:

2. No props (vehicles, chairs, ladders, medieval moats filled with alligators, etc.) can be used.

Last year a big hoopla was thrown for Blake Griffin who dunked "over" a car. First of all looking back at the tape, how do I not remember a full choir singing "I Believe I Can Fly" in the background? Second of all he jumped over the hood of the car not the roof. Thirdly it just HAD to be a Kia didn't it?

This year's festivities included Derrick Williams dunking over a motorcycle (why Budinger duplicated the exact same dunk without the motorcycle in the next round is beyond me), Chase Budinger dunking over an seemingly intoxicated and new civil rights activist(?) Diddy or whatever he's calling himself today in another sponsored dunk for whatever he was promoting, Jeremy Evans dunking over Kevin Hart who was promoting his own movie, not mention he is also 4 inches away from technically being a little person, and then Budinger again using a blindfold that he and everyone else with a working brain knew he could see under after he missed his first attempt. (I don't count jumping over tall teammates as props, nor do I hate on Paul George's "Tron" dunk because it was actually cool and more importantly IT WAS A GOOD DUNK. How he didn't win with that and dunking over 7'2" Roy Hibbert with the other no-shows doing what they did shall remain a mystery.)

Watch this video and this one as well to become nostalgic and remember what the Dunk Contest use to be all about: dunking! What a novel concept right? There were no illusions, choreographed dance routines, and no sponsors to be seen. It is the most exciting part of basketball in its pure, unadulterated form. Is the problem that players have lost the imagination of these pioneers? I find that very hard to believe. On average the players today are much more athletic than their predecessors, therefore they should be able to do do dunks at an equal or higher difficulty. There is nothing about any one of those dunks in the above videos that would not excite the public today. For the sake of the Dunk Contest and for the sake of the entire NBA, props have to be eradicated like a horde of locusts.

The last rule I have will make the contest much tougher but it's for the best:

3. The time limit gets eliminated and you get a maximum of 3 attempts per dunk.

I was veeeeeeery close to just cutting it down to one attempt but finally decided that would be extremely harsh if someone were to try some Inception-like dunk. I came to this conclusion after watching Derrick Williams struggle for about 6 attempts before he dunked it. At that point I do not care if he is parachuting into the arena and then dunking the ball, whatever he will do will seem awful. You miss the first time the audiences reaction is, "Wow that looked really cool. I hope he makes it this time." That turns into, "He's got to make it right now" after he misses a second time. And then after the third time forget about it. Into the Pity Pit he goes. You just feel bad for the guy and wouldn't mind him just laying it up so he can get off the court with whatever dignity he has left.

Now having said all of this I will still watch the Dunk Contest year after year regardless of the participants because as a basketball fan I am obligated to and you never know, there could be a diamond in the rough waiting to be discovered and explode onto the national scene Jeremy Lin style (you notice the lack of coverage on him since being obliterated by Miami? I enjoy the silence). But until these 3 rules are adapted, the Dunk Contest will never live up to its full potential.

Is this who we want to crown as the NBA's best dunker? 

Didn't think so.